I was good once, I was clever once, back then I was better. Now I am not what I was, and my hopes for what I will be are shaky. The middle one is the worst out of the past, present and future me. Or is it.
The past is now an air-brushed version of reality, full of successes which were straight-forward to achieve, and clearly laid-out milestones. I ran through all of them with the certainty that this is where I was supposed to be, what I was meant to do. It wasn’t all easy, but the hard parts have gone into soft-focus now, and most make sense too.
Now is different. Now is full of routines, some that I have created to re-make a day-sized version of the road map I had before. I miss the frequent recognition of my worth, the praise for my regular achievements, the salary too. I miss adults. Children’s conversations are of another world, and another vocabulary. I’m getting more fluent, but miss my own words.
There’s a true wisdom about savouring the present, living for the moment, watching you don’t let it pass by un-noticed. It is a cruel truth though, that you only savour what is passed, you only value what you miss.
The future is unknown. I’ve already kitted it out with a city’s worth full of worry and pessimism. Do I look back on the past, focus on the present and anticipate good things amongst the bad? Rarely. For some reason, fear always seems more concrete than hope. And yet I want to get better at that. It’s my non-SMART goal.
Standing back from past, present and future, I think I can see 3 versions of myself, and, funnily enough, they all look like me.